Reflection

Good-bye, 2008. It was nice knowing you. I can't say that I will miss you-you were a tough-ass year. But the tough-ass years are still years that I'm breathing, and since the alternative to breathing is not breathing, i.e. being dead, than I say yes, I will take the tough-ass years, and the breathing, and the bullshit that comes with the breathing-not-being-dead thing.

This year I turned 35. This birthday really knocked me on my ass, emotionally speaking. My friend M. says that birthdays that end in "0" & "5" are prime for intense introspection, and yes, that certainly has been the case with me.

On turning 20-Yeah, I'm not a teen any more, okay? I am now an adult. Did you hear me-AN ADULT! *snort*

On turning 25- Oh my God, I have accomplished NOTHING with my life! I am failing at life! AAAAAAAAAAAANGST! *additional snort*

On turning 30-Good-bye, angst-ridden 20s! Don't let that door smack your ass on the way out! I am at the dawn of a new decade! Hello, 30s, you gorgeous time, you!

On turning 35-Damn, I can't stop the ride here, can I? I'm not a kid anymore, am I?

On my 35th birthday, I was in a cheap motel room in Indianapolis, on a quest for adventure and newness and some sense of clarity, because, seemingly without my consent, I and my needs had changed. The things that I relished several years ago I had no desire for in the here and now, and I was finding myself yearning for things that I thought I would never want, like a quiet street to walk down, someone to walk beside me down that street, and maybe, just maybe, a tiny hand in mine, one attached to a tiny creature that I was certain, for years and years, I would never, never welcome into my life.

People change. You know that, I know that. We say it when friends move on to new lives, when opposites attract, when your boss has a mid-life crisis and ditches his wife for his secretary, when the perfect couple whose wedding you danced at break apart. But who really expects the person that radically changes, I mean full 180-degree type change, to be you? And what do you do in the face of that change?

You reel, but only for a moment. Because 35 is here, time keeps moving whether you move or not, and you know that now much better than you did at 20, at 25, at 30. You reflect, you ponder, you plan.

And you hope. Because 2008 is over, and 2009 is coming. Because you've survived every single one of your mistakes and are better for having made them. Because there have been as many triumphs as mistakes and you're together enough to see that. Because the choice is hope or despair, and it is a choice, and what other choice would you make?

Not to mention that 35 looks really goddamn good on me. My hot-babeness prevails. Score.

See you next year.-C.