Reflection

Good-bye, 2008. It was nice knowing you. I can't say that I will miss you-you were a tough-ass year. But the tough-ass years are still years that I'm breathing, and since the alternative to breathing is not breathing, i.e. being dead, than I say yes, I will take the tough-ass years, and the breathing, and the bullshit that comes with the breathing-not-being-dead thing.

This year I turned 35. This birthday really knocked me on my ass, emotionally speaking. My friend M. says that birthdays that end in "0" & "5" are prime for intense introspection, and yes, that certainly has been the case with me.

On turning 20-Yeah, I'm not a teen any more, okay? I am now an adult. Did you hear me-AN ADULT! *snort*

On turning 25- Oh my God, I have accomplished NOTHING with my life! I am failing at life! AAAAAAAAAAAANGST! *additional snort*

On turning 30-Good-bye, angst-ridden 20s! Don't let that door smack your ass on the way out! I am at the dawn of a new decade! Hello, 30s, you gorgeous time, you!

On turning 35-Damn, I can't stop the ride here, can I? I'm not a kid anymore, am I?

On my 35th birthday, I was in a cheap motel room in Indianapolis, on a quest for adventure and newness and some sense of clarity, because, seemingly without my consent, I and my needs had changed. The things that I relished several years ago I had no desire for in the here and now, and I was finding myself yearning for things that I thought I would never want, like a quiet street to walk down, someone to walk beside me down that street, and maybe, just maybe, a tiny hand in mine, one attached to a tiny creature that I was certain, for years and years, I would never, never welcome into my life.

People change. You know that, I know that. We say it when friends move on to new lives, when opposites attract, when your boss has a mid-life crisis and ditches his wife for his secretary, when the perfect couple whose wedding you danced at break apart. But who really expects the person that radically changes, I mean full 180-degree type change, to be you? And what do you do in the face of that change?

You reel, but only for a moment. Because 35 is here, time keeps moving whether you move or not, and you know that now much better than you did at 20, at 25, at 30. You reflect, you ponder, you plan.

And you hope. Because 2008 is over, and 2009 is coming. Because you've survived every single one of your mistakes and are better for having made them. Because there have been as many triumphs as mistakes and you're together enough to see that. Because the choice is hope or despair, and it is a choice, and what other choice would you make?

Not to mention that 35 looks really goddamn good on me. My hot-babeness prevails. Score.

See you next year.-C.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

I got the card out on time for this one, so don't anyone bother to leave a message for him. His head is big enough as it is.

Enjoy your dollar's worth of candy, Daddy.

-C.

On Christmas Eve's eve...

..., the day before yesterday, I found a wallet in the snow. I found a way to get it back to its owner. She was very nice and gracious. I found this unusual, because it has been my experience that honesty must be its own reward as most people do not know how to be grateful when you do something nice for them. A sad commentary on the state of humanity, yes?

She offered me money, which I initially turned down. I didn't do it for money-I did it because it was the right thing to do, and because my mom would be mad if I didn't do the right thing (see November 8th's entry for further elaboration on fear and my mom :-), and because I would like for someone to do the same for me. I'm no angel, and I'm not trying to get into heaven. I just don't want to be the kind of person I dislike; in short, a thoughtless, selfish asshole. That really is my main motivation in life, to not be an asshole, and most of the time, I like to think that I'm successful in that venture.

But this nice woman insisted that I take the money, and said "Merry Christmas" over and over. So I slipped the ten-dollar bill into my pocket, and wished her a merry Christmas, too. I went back to work, and wanted to tell my co-workers about the nice lady and the nice gesture. I reached into my pocket to examine the ten-dollar bill...

...and discovered that it was wrapped around two twenties. Fifty bucks, just for being a non-asshole.

The thing is, I'm feeling a little bad about the money. If I had known that it was that much, I would have been more adamant about not taking it. I'm not sure what I should do with it. Maybe donate it to charity? Buy a round for friends? It just seems a little weird to have profited by doing the right thing. But it's also really nice that someone appreciated the right thing being done. Doesn't happen enough in life.

"..and to all, a good night."

-C.

Simple Observation

Head count at the last party I went to:

Couple, couple, couple, couple....

...and me. Sigh.

-C.

Got a few bucks?

*Okay, folks-blatant solicitation forthcoming. You are warned*

So, a friend emailed me about a local theatre company needing money. If you have been a long-time reader of my blog (from my myspace days), you may remember my mentioning Margaret Lewis, and my esteem for her work (go hit the link to your right for the myspace blog if you need a refresher). Margaret has written some fine plays for a company called Stage Left Theatre, and I have a lot of respect for these people and the work they do. And they are currently strapped for cash.

And yes, everyone is strapped. I get it. The animal shelters are popping at the seams with relinquished pets, friends are getting laid off, my Starbucks partners are having their labor hours cut, things are tough all over. It ain't easy to try and find money for the arts when you are worried about your mortgage, your retirement, the food on your plate and the plate under your food.

But the arts are important. Crucial, even, for in times of both prosperity and strain it is through these expressions that we relieve our stress, look inward for peace, outward for guidance, and find ways to connect to one another, recognizing both the uniqueness and commonality of the human experience. Is that worth a few bucks to you? Can you scrounge a bit together to help these artists? Even if each of you out there can spare just a little, than that's more than they had a few days ago. Together, it can make all the difference in the world, both to those needing to express something, and to the audience who needs to experience that expression.

And hey, some day I'm hoping to not have to work two jobs and go to school all at once, and I'll be writing more than just a blog twice a week, and if Stage Left isn't there for me to submit my scribble to, than I'm going to be up a creek. So, you see, I'm being a little selfish here in my solicitation. (Why don't you write in the "memo" line of your check that yours truly can turn a word or two, while you're at it?) :-)

Find information at www.stagelefttheatre.com

-C.

I wonder...

From the wall of A Taste of Heaven cafe/bakery:

"What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about?"

Discuss.

-C.

Finding Your Self Online

Lately, I've been acutely aware of the fantabulousness of networking websites. Are you on Facebook? MySpace? Friendster? Do you blog at Wordpress? LiveJournal? Blogger? Hell, just do a Yahoo! search on someone & chances are you'll find a little tidbit about their life. Unless, of course, they have a stupid common name like Christopher Burgess, who still owes me money in addition to being impossible to Google effectively. (Are you reading this, Chris? Do you remember how much you owe me? Well, I do, I surely do, so why don't you do a little Swiffering of your karma here & send me a check already? It's never too late to repay a debt, you know?).

Anyway.

My point is, the vastness of the World Wide Web has made it possible for me to touch base with many, many people that I would not have had the chance to otherwise. From high school through college, to my early days in Chicago, to different jobs I've held, different circles I've navigated, there are a plethora of rekindled connections, all neatly bundled up with pictures and contact info and insights into the persons that they are now. And with each new email, friend request, message in the "inbox", I find myself getting back in touch, too, with the person I was when I knew them, way back when (but not so long ago to be forgotten).

Another blessing. Another line on my "grateful" list. It just keeps getting longer and longer.

-C.

More Randomness...

10 Random Things:

1. I do not use speed dial unless I programmed the phone myself. It's a leftover neuroses from my days as a telemarketer. I dial my own numbers, every time.

2. My first moment onstage was in a Christmas play at my church. I was in second grade. My brother played a teenager learning about the meaning of Christmas, my sister was an angel (who quoted from the New Testament), and I was one of a dozen caroling children. Neither of my siblings remember this, though our father does.

3. When I like a movie, I will get the DVD and watch it over and over and over again. For example, I saw BATMAN BEGINS in the theater 3 times, and nearly 20 times on DVD at home before I got sick of it. Same with TV shows.

4. I have no tattoos, and only one piercing in each ear. I do, however, still want to streak my hair bright blue. Right before I shave it off and go bald.

5. I have a phobia about hypodermic needles, and had to force myself to touch them the first year I worked in vet medicine. Every now & again, I still stop and get a little nauseous in the middle of a blood draw.

6. I can fall asleep just about anywhere. In every class from junior high through college, on several bus and train rides in the city, at the opera, in the middle of a good book, at my night job at Kinko's 10+ years ago. The amount of caffeine in my bloodstream has made no difference in this propensity. Trust me, I've tried.

7. Ice cream is my favorite sweet, and I will eat just about any flavor that doesn't have chocolate. If I crave chocolate, it is the ultra-dark, 85% cacao, high end stuff, and that I only eat by itself. Ice cream and chocolate don't mix for me.

8. As the child of a mixed-race couple, I am mind-boggled by people who feel at home with their own "kind". I have never felt that way and have no frame of reference for that mentality whatsoever.

9. I love classical opera, but not so much contemporary musicals, the symphony, or the ballet.

10. I still believe that I can have it all. Just not all at once.

-C.