Death and this maiden

I lost a favorite patient of mine last week.  His name was Dave, and he was a tall, lanky, goofy dog with black fur and a long nose.  I joked of FB that he looked like my cat would have looked like if he was a dog, or funnily like a guy I dated way back when, also named Dave.

Two people commented that it is the worst part of our jobs, the losing of a patient.  I don't agree.  Death is a part of what I deal with, both in my time in general practice and certainly in my time now in oncology.  Death is an inescapable fact of our existence, both in our witnessing of it and in the inevitability of our own demise.  And death isn't the worst thing I see.

Neglect.  Abuse.  Indifference.  These things are much harder to bear witness to.   The finality of death is unavoidable, but these other things are completely avoidable. 

So, even in my sadness, I'm glad I got to meet Dave.  I'm glad the joy of him touched my heart.  We gave him some quality time with his people, and I believe that they were grateful for that. 

And only when we say goodbye do we really know what something, or someone, really meant to us.

-C.

Just Tired

I put in a 57 hour work week between last Monday and yesterday.  I've got to pay off my new phone and repaired computer, and I'm grateful for the work.

But I'm just tired.  And I wonder if I'll always have to work this hard.

C.

40s and counting

Yesterday was my 40th birthday.  I spent the day making a new beaded necklace with matching earrings at my local bead store (Caravan Beads in the North Center neighborhood), eating Southern food, and meeting up with actors and crew for my friend's sketch comedy revue, which opened last night and on which I had the honor of serving as assistant director.  It's been great fun and quite enlightening to be a part of a theatre project again, and it was also nice to go out after and share a few beers with these guys, both to celebrate a successful show and my birthday.

I'd be lying if I said this birthday wasn't tough.  It's been an emotional roller-coaster, these last few months, and having a milestone birthday shortly after a break-up is no picnic.  Whenever I feel myself indulging in self-pity or becoming overly sentimental about the past, though, I remind myself of the many blessings that I have, and remember that the point of focus should not be what has happened or what might happen, but what I do with what happens.

In that regard, 40 is a hell of a lot easier than 20, or even 30.  Despite all of the challenges, fears, and setbacks (at least those perceived as such), I'm looking forward to defining for myself just what this coming decade will mean.  See you on the road.

-C.

Smooshed phone and the value of our lives

My phone got smooshed by a bus last week.  Expense and inconveinence aside, I had contact information as well as pictures and videos that I had neglected to properly back up.  Every day since I have remembered yet another number I must somehow retrieve, or another picture that I'll not be able to look on again.  My mind's eye holds quite a few of them, but there are those that I'll never recall and are now lost.

In today's world of abundant technology, it seems to me that I've lost some of the value just what it is that I have.  It is so easy to take a picture, or type in someone's number, and somehow it has actually made it easier to forget what it is that I like and need.  The only phone numbers I can recite are work related, and I had so many cute photos of flowering trees and funny pets and moments that I wanted to capture that I didn't hold onto them properly. 

Lesson learned.  (That, and the ever-important lesson of insurance for your phone).

-C.

A list

5 things for which I'm grateful today:

1.  My new apartment.  The location, size, amenities.  My building engineer has done more for me in three weeks than management at my last place did in 2 years (and they really needed to...).  The layout is clean and spacious, and my stuff fits well.  I've got lots of closet space.  The cats like the windowsills (which is very important, because I'm not home all day and when you think about it, that is their TV it's not like they work on their novels when I'm gone, ya know).  The less than ideal things (having to buy my own window treatments, odd showerhead, the laundry room being ALLLLLL the way over on the other side of the building) are so minor as to barely be worth mentioning other than to serve as a reminder that nothing, NOTHING, is perfect and it's folly to ask that it be.

2.  My sense of humor.  It's a good one, and hey, I have one and I'm always sad at so many who don't.  How the hell do you get through the day without laughing?  How do you get through life without sinking slowly into despair and staying there if you cannot find the funny?  Humor is not trivial.  It is a necessity.  Absolutely and can I have an amen.

3.  Lilacs.  They are beautiful, they always make me think of spring and my upcoming birthday when they are in bloom, and their fragrance reminds me of my childhood.  There was a lilac bush outside our house, and the scent I associate with home.  There is a lilac bush on the street that I walk down to and from my new bus stop, and my discovery of it just thrilled me.

4.  My cats.  I've had cats as pets for 11 years now and I cannot imagine life without them.  They are fun and funny and offer unconditional love and neverending affection.  And my first cat, Gracie, led me into the veterinary field, which has been the saving grace of my life.

5.  My recent breakup.  It is strange to write that, given the nature of the relationship, but I do strive for honesty and this is a truth, though I could not have seen it at the time.  I am grateful to be free of something that wasn't right for me or for him, and that it ended in such a time so that we can take our lessons learned and make better lives for ourselves because of it, not despite of it.  I knew that I would eventually reach acceptance, but I didn't know that I would actually be happier, even in the moments of loneliness that inevitably strike, now that I'm back on my own. A complete and welcome surprise, and I am ever, ever grateful.

-C.

The now

So it's been a while. I think about all that has happened since my last post, nearly 2 years ago. New position. New apartment. Ruptured tendon. New relationship. Sad goodbyes to furry friends.

Life turns on a dime. In good ways, tough ways, frightening ways. Change is the only constant.

Two years ago I would not have been able to predict all the change that would meet me in the time coming up. Two months ago I would not have been able to predict how much more change was awaiting, so jarring as to throw my world into upheaval in heart-wrenching ways.

And two weeks ago I would not have been able to predict that I would be sitting here, in a new solo apartment in my beloved Chicago neighborhood, with a new boss to answer to, new projects on my horizon, and new dating prospects to sift through, with a heart filled with gratitude, a smile on my face, wearing my battle scars with pride.

Predicting the future is bullshit, friends. Just enjoy the now, as I intend to.

 -C.

Because I am me...

After hearing a lot of friendly advice about the game of love, I've come up with my own theory:

There are one of four scenarios that can play out:

#1: You can do nothing, and the something that you want to happen will happen. (i.e-"the moment you stop looking, there he/she is!"

#2: You can do nothing, and nothing will happen (which has been me in the past, and certainly the countless Eleanor Rigbys who are out there in the world. "Ohhhh, look at all the lonely people.....")

#3: You can do something, and the something that you want to happen will happen.

#4: You can do something, and nothing will come of your trying.

And I don't believe that anyone, anywhere can accurately predict which of the four will manifest itself into my life, nor anyone else's. Regardless of experience, none of us knows the future; none of us truly has a grip on the seeming randomness of the universe.

I am the girl who would rather take action than none at all, the girl who chases the robber she knows will get away rather than sit stunned and victimized, the girl who grabs at all the shiny things around her and gets in over her head rather than the one who allows time to wash over her passively, because the weight of passivity is heavier to me than all the disappointments of the world can ever bear down.

That is me.

-C.

Mr. Spock Would So Call Your Bullshit

A brief recap of the Dating Blitzkrieg of 2011:

Sifting through an average of 20 profiles of prospective dates a week...

Engaging in no less than 50 email conversations therein since January 1st...

Going out on 13 first dates in five months. Twice, there were 3 in 3 consecutive days...

Crashing two speed dating events, at one of which I ran into a guy I dated 5 years ago who didn't seem to remember me. (Thankfully, he only had 8 minutes during which to tearfully bore me to death this time instead of 3+ hours)....

Going out on 3 second dates out of the original 13.....

Having one of the second-daters state we should stop dating when I asked why he wouldn't tell me his last name (after date 3 and when he asked me out for date 4)...

Having another of the second-daters evolve into a 4-months-long on-and-off thing that, looking back, I really only persisted with in the hopes of having someone around to have decent sex with on my birthday (which, by the way, was June 1st, and the answer to your next question is, sadly, NO!)....

Having the last of the second-daters be this warm, funny, kind-hearted man who has similar life goals as me and is good to his mother and really loves animals and is a musician which I soooo dig and is tall and handsome to boot, say to me, upon cancelling our plans for a third date (paraphrasing, of course):

"Hey, C. We've gone out a couple of times, had so much fun, I think you are an amazing person and we have this great connection. So let's not see each other any more because that's all too much for me to deal with right now."

I got a D in Logic and Critical Thinking, pal, but I was awake in that class long enough to call that a fallacy of logic.

Heavy, heavy sigh. Heavy-ass, mother-fuckin' sigh. I'm calling for a dating moratorium for the month of June. At least.

-C.